Tales of the Parodyverse

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Dancer
Sat Dec 03, 2005 at 10:16:58 am EST
Subject
Dancer, the Repost
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[The Scene: The Bean and Donut Coffee Bar, workplace of Dancer’s mild-mannered waitress secret identity, Sarah Shepherdson]

Sarah: Hey Vizh, Dream. The usual?

CSFB!, emptying nine sachets of sugar into his mocha woppa with extra foam: So how’s things today, Shep?

Sarah: Ah, same old same old, Dream. We had some muggers burst in earlier but they slipped on the wet floors and skidded across the room to bump into Donar. And Enty upgraded the sanitary towel dispensers so we’ve had people here from the War Crimes Commission. Oh, and the cheesecake’s good.

Vizh: Um, you don’t happen to have any, y’know… crullers, do you?

Sarah: Now Visionary, you know that you have to be a cruller free zone. It’s not cruel and unusual punishment whatever you wrote to Amnesty International. It’s a sensible diet for your health after a nasty crossover.

CSFB!, scarfing donuts: Yeah, we don’t all have super-fast metabolisms that let us eat whatever we like.

Vizh: I went to hell once. It was better than this.

Sarah, sympathetically: You can look at some crullers if you like. If it helps you keep the will to live.

Vizh, staring at the crullers: Nothing can save me now.

[The door bursts open, and in leap the Dancer Revenge Squad: Carlsbad Carl, Manseed, Nappy Rash, the Speculum, and Holy Wedlock!]

Manseed, getting his first speaking part in the PV ever: Hold it there, waitress. We know you’re friends with that Probability Dancer! Tell us where she is now or we’ll slaughter everyone in this diner!

Customer One: Um, you do know that this is the Bean and Donut, right? I mean, you know that? You know who drinks coffee here?

[The customers settle back with their food and drinks to enjoy the floor show]

CSFB: Vizh, could you hold my coat for a moment, please? Also, don’t eat my donut.

Sarah: No, Dream, there’s no need to bother. I think Dancer’s in the ladies’ toilet, checking the radiation damage. I’ll just go find her.

Manseed: What do you mean, do we know who drinks coffee here?

Vizh: Well, I heard it was where the Lair Legion go for their crullers. Most of them. Those who haven’t been damned.

Carlsbad Carl: Well, a’hm not skeered of no Lair Legion. Mah albino probability cowboy powers make me more than a match for any supaheroah, especially the Probability… [goes down hard as a souped-up tampon machine hits him in the side of the head.]

Dancer: You boys should know by now that this place doesn’t serve supervillains. Well, not unless they’re really down on their luck.

Manseed: Dancer! At last we get to battle! And I finally get to show my mysterious superpowers!

Nappy Rash: And me!

The Speculum: And me!

Holy Wedlock: And I get to take my revenge on you for #15 by marrying you to the most useless nonentity in the diner! *looks round and spots Vizh*

Vizh: Hey! Besides, you’re way too late for that plot. And you picked a real bad day to attack a man suffering from cruller-withdrawal *does unspeakable thing to Holy Wedlock involving a hot coffee and Holy Wedlock’s waistband*

CSFB!, clobbering Nappy Rash by levering the Speculum into him: Wow, Vizh, that was quite hardcore for you. Dancer, you need help with Manseed?

Dancer, kicking the villain out of the rear fire door into the alley: No, I’m fine thanks. I’ll just keep improbably kicking the crap out of this one, okay?

Vizh: When did Dancer ever need help handling… er, no, forget I said that. It’s the crullers talking.

Dancer: It better be.

Customer One to trashed villains: Told you.

[Customers applaud]

CSFB!: Well, it looks like its all over but for the celebratory beverages. But I’ve just realised… this wasn’t a repost at all. Somebody cheated!

Dancer, heading into the bathroom to find Sarah: Well, sometimes its just quicker to have a new adventure than to have to find all those old discs with old stories on, right? I hope people don’t mind. It was pretty much old jokes, old villains, and old hat anyhow.

Jay Boaz: Hey!

Vizh, looking guilty: I couldn’t help it. During the battle I was pushed down and I just fell on top of the cruller with my mouth open. Honest.

Sarah: Anyone need a refill?



Dancer's Diner








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